3: When I was 22

I have the feeling that I should tell you straight away what happen when I was 22, I already mentioned it twice since I started this blog. I have the feeling that if I don’t do it now, my blog could become another version of “how I meet your mother”. So, I don’t want you to wait months and years before discovering what happen when I was 22.

When I was 22, my heart was crushed. In thousands of pieces. I had so much pain that I felt like I was going to die. I am not even exaggerated. At that time, I felt like my heart was not going to handle the pain.

It is about a person, you are right, but it is not about a boyfriend. It is about a friend, a best friend, C. We were friends for 17 years. She was like my sister.

C was my best friends since nursery school. Till we joined secondary school it was just me and her. In secondary school we became a trio, Valeria joined our special group. We were inseparable. There was not Silvia if there wasn’t C and Valeria.

Now, I am grateful enough that, despite the distance, with Valeria we are still best friends. I feel blessed to be her maid of honour (Vale, ti voglio bene!).

But with C. things ended in a very different way.

C had lots of personal issues; but you know, we all have problems! She had a strong, arrogant, dominant character. Most of the time she knew what she wanted, and she would have done anything she could to achieve it. This is something that I admired about her. Perhaps, when I was next to her I felt strong myself. We did influence each other a lot.

But the more we were growing up, the more our lives were taking different ways. We used to argue a lot. But, of course, we overcame those arguments because friends are friends, right? Friends are in the good and in the bad. If you love someone, you find a way to compromise and I loved her so much, I loved her like a sister.

Now, of course I am giving you a summery of our friendship and how it ended. It might sounds all very negative, but of course in 17 years friendship we had lots of good moments too. Around her I felt strong, secure, accepted, powerful. Perhaps, if today I am such a determinate and resilient person it could also be thanks to her.

But let’s go back to the story now. So, our friendship arrived to a point when we would argue constantly – like an old couple heading towards a divorce. I strongly stand up for my values and she strongly stand up for hers. Alongside that, C had the tendency of hurting people when she was feeling hurt. If something bad happened to her she would hurt someone else. Yes, you read it right. She would feel better because in that way she was not the only one suffering.

I cannot forget that day when she had an argument with her boyfriend and, consequentially, she was very horrible to me. It happened many times in our friendship, but in a way or another we always overcame difficulties.

I know what you are thinking, I am a stupid! Perhaps I am, perhaps you are right. But let’s shape it in a positive way – you know, just cause this blog is about self-esteem lol – let’s say I am a loyal, caring and committed friend.

But you will happy to know that this day I said, “no more”. I remember telling her “Look at this face.. this is the last time you will see it!”. And I meant it. And of course, it wasn’t.

This happened just before I moved to Glasgow. After few months, C came all the way to apologies. At first, I thought she did it for me; but of course, at the end of this experience, it turned out that she did it for herself.

She was so sorry about how she treated me, she was going to change, for real this time. She really valued our friendship. Perhaps, it could have been so great for us to be reunited. That’s what she said. She always wanted to move abroad and, since I was in the UK, she took the opportunity to move abroad too.

C lived in Glasgow for one year. It was a very long year between ups and downs. Few people asked me “How can you be her friend? Your soul is so colourful, her soul is so dark”.. Can I please use the loyal card again?

Anyhow, after one year, C decided to go back to Italy. She was missing her boyfriend and her family.

We had her leaving party. We got massively drunk. Yep, there was a loooot of alcohol involved so I am pretty sure you know that this part of the story doesn’t end too well. At some point during that night I was about to go to the toilet. Before going, I noticed few flits between her and the guy I liked. I remember approaching her “I am going to the toilet, please do not kiss him” like if a friend needs to tell you this!

Guess what? Yes, you are right. I came out of the toilet and they were kissing. It was like a slow sword piercing my heart.

I could not stop crying, I thought I was going to die for how many tears I have shed.

I did not care much about the guy, it was not about him. It was about her. That night, when I saw them kissing, this scenario came to my mind: my wedding day, C being one of my bridesmaids, and then her fucking my future husband right the minute before I was getting married. The sad part is, that it could have really happened.

That was my last wake-up call.

The trust was broken. Like a crystal glass, smashed in thousands of pieces. I would never thought she could have betrayed me in this way. She had lots of bad qualities, but I would have never thought she was capable of doing something similar to me, to her sister.

I never felt so hurt in my entirely life. And it was the best thing it could have ever happened to me.

That day, a new Silvia was born.

Note: To C, I want to tell you that I forgive you. I want to tell you thank you. By betraying me, you gave me my best chances. I will never forget, but I forgive you. I hope you found your inner peace, I hope you found faith in life.

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