So, now you know what happened when I was 22.
At the time I was so overwhelmed with negative thoughts that I could have not seen the bigger pictures. I was hurt and betrayed.
But likely, everything happens for a reason.
Thanks to this awful experience I finally had the opportunity to become who I was meant to be: Me.
I felt hurt and betrayed, but deep down, I felt relieved too.
I am aware that my life could have taken a very different path.
As my blog title says: “I am an over eater” and, therefore, looking back at that time I can only see two different endings: stuffing myself to death or removing all the toxic relationship in my life – including food.
Some of you will probably think that I have exaggerated, but I have not. If you are an emotional over eater, you probably experienced a similar thought too. You know, I can easily finish a big cake or cheesecake on my own, I could eat thousands and thousands and thousands of calories in less than 30 minutes.
At the age of 21 I reached 105kg. I was 40kg more than I am supposed to be. I mean, I am still 15kgs over weight, but at least now I am healthier. The problem is not being overweight. There are lots of people who are overweigh and happy! The problem is the relationship we have with food.
And I didn’t have a great relationship with food. I was spending lots of time looking myself in the mirror and disliking myself. You have no idea how many times I wished to wake up slim. No more massive belly, no more massive butt. Slim, healthy, like everyone else. And the more I was disliking myself, the more I ate. Because I was feeling fat, disgusting and it was my fault. I deserved it.
I spent years bullying my mind – and at times I still do.
Most of you know me as a super Silvia, happy, full on energy, passioned and full of love. And that’s me too. When I was a teenager I had similar traits too.
I loved politics, and I loved “fighting” for social values and principles. I dreamed (and still do) a more equal and fairer society. A society where people are fully engaged and part of the community, where everyone is accepted and loved. A society with no conflict. And, if you know me offline, you probably know this side of me. If you have been knowing me for many years, you equally know that ‘I am getting worse’ with the Peace & Love thing. So yeah, I am still a fighter, a passionate dreamer. As my dad wrote me once, I am a “Sensitive Revolutionist”. The good news is that I am becoming wiser too – at least in this field.
When I was 22 I had to make a choice: I could have either let myself go in shame and blame or I could have fought for myself. Thankfully, I am a warrior.
Here’s the thing, both Silvia are equally me. If I have an eating disorder it doesn’t mean I cannot be a warrior too. But the thing is that for most of my life I have been fighting for external achievement forgetting to fight for my own true happiness.
And I am pretty sure you are a warrior too. And I am not writing it just for writing it, I am truly convinced you are a warrior too. We all are warriors, in a way or another, and it is time to give ourselves enough credit for it. I am pretty sure you survived hard moments too, so congrats to you too!
It doesn’t matter how big or small your issues are, what it matters is how you perceive them and what values your heart gives them. To be honest, at times I accuse myself for making a big dilemma out of a small thing. I mean, my issues are pretty “small” comparing to others – for example I often complain how I cannot find a decent guy to date and at the same time I feel guilty because while I have been hormonal some people are fighting against cancer! But that’s the thing, it is pointless to compare ourselves to others.
We all have some issues. At times we have bigger issues, at time we have smaller issues. But it doesn’t matter if they are “small” or “big” what it matters is how we feel about it and what we are going to do about it. So, let’s think about an issue that really matter to us. It doesn’t matter how shallow or meaningless that might be. We should try to stop demolish or ‘jail’ our own feelings. Let’s try to feel them, to learn from them. What’s the message behind that feeling? What’s this feeling telling you? Why do you think you feel that way? If you couldn’t fail it, what could you do about it? Now, what could you do in the next 24 hours that it is going to make you closer to that solution?
We need to have a bit of faith that things are how they are meant to be. But we need to pose to understand reality, to analyse it and really see things into prospective.
Of course, it is easier to say than to do it, but at least we can say that we are trying. It doesn’t matter if you failed today, tomorrow is a new day.